well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
