Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
