i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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