All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
