oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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