it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
