I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
