i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
