if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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