ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
