she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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