if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
