All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
