The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
