I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
