i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
