tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
