this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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