Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
