And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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