I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
