i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
