i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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