I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
