My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Found your dick twin last night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
