Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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