So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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