I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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