evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
