Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
