What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
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