: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
