In America we eat man semen.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
