my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hippo gnu deer
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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