I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
