im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
