as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
