I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
