happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
