lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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