Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
