Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
