I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
