Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
