me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
