I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
