genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
