I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
