Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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