so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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