so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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