My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
